Thoughts on being a working mom

Photo by Kathleen Landwehrle Photography

Motherhood. Career. You CAN have both. But it would be a lie to say that during the work week you’re fully present in either role at any given time. Often, I wish more than anything that I could be home with Callan full-time instead. Then there are times where I’m proud of my career and accomplishments, and feel like I’m managing everything ok.

As moms, you hear the word balance thrown out there quite a bit. We’re expected to balance it all and to do it well, giving everything in our lives equal attention. But I’ve learned fairly quickly that expecting to balance everything well as a full-time working mom is a surefire way to feel like a failure each day. I now know that some days work gets more time/attention/brain power, and others, my boy does. It’s just how it is. And that’s okay.

Before Callan, I built a career in the marketing field and have been a writer for a health care company for years. I’m also a telecommuter, so I work from home full-time. It definitely has its perks. But I think some don’t quite understand that when you say you work from home – you WORK from home. You have projects, deadlines and goals to meet. You have countless conference calls, career trainings and project time you have to set aside or you don’t accomplish what’s required. The list goes on. There are high expectations.

I’ve been a full-time working mom for four months now and I’m STILL transitioning. I had four months of maternity leave – blissful, exhausting 24/7 time with my boy. Despite him arriving early, our NICU stay, recovery from birth, the ups and downs of breastfeeding, weight checks, in-home therapies, countless doctor visits and just adjusting to everything that comes with a newborn, it was the only time in my memory where I can recall not being stressed on a daily basis. And it came down to the fact that I am in LOVE with being a mom – HIS Mom. I’m obsessed with my boy and absolutely adored that quality time. I dreaded having to leave him and cried every day for the two weeks before I had to. The heaviness of emotions a mama feels in this situation is excruciating. I’m grateful for the time I had with him, but four months or less shouldn’t be the standard. Mamas need more. So much more.

We are SO lucky to have in-home care for Callan currently. Our family has been amazing watching him while we work and we love that he gets to build extra special bonds with them. On the flip side, this is also where working from home becomes difficult. Yes, I get more time with him since I don’t have a commute and can see him on my breaks. But I also hear him throughout the day laughing and playing, and I feel a constant pull to be with him. It takes every ounce of energy I have to focus my attention where it needs to be. Before I returned to work, I remember saying that I would either be super-efficient and disciplined OR it would all be a total sh** show. To be honest, I have both kinds of days.

When I went back to work, I didn’t have unreasonable expectations for the transition but I did think I would adjust quicker than I have. I found I had to almost retrain my brain to think the way it used to before baby. Things are different. YOU’RE different. It’s a lot to handle at once. There were several days that ended with me sobbing into my husband’s shoulder, saying, “I can’t do this. It’s too much. There has to be a better way.” I’m pretty certain I perfected the full-on ugly cry during that time. It was like being on the front lines of a battle I wasn’t quite ready for. But my husband was. Wise soul that he is, he’d told me it would take MONTHS to transition and I didn’t really believe him. It turns out he was right. Yes, I put that in writing.

All that being said – I leave for my first post-baby business trip in a few days. Since Callan was born, I haven’t been away from him for more than 4 hours or so. This is going to be HARD. I keep telling myself it will be good for me, for my career and Callan as well. I have full confidence that he will be just fine, especially with how adaptable he is. He’ll have some amazing quality time with his Dad and I’ll have some time to focus on me. But as the trip looms, the emotions are starting to weigh heavily on me.

Working mamas out there – if you’ve traveled for business after baby, what are your tips for making it through?