Thoughts on being a working mom

KL1267-0023 Landwehrle_K&C Photo by Kathleen Landwehrle Photography

Motherhood. Career. You CAN have both. But it would be a lie to say that during the work week you’re fully present in either role at any given time. Often, I wish more than anything that I could be home with Callan full-time instead. Then there are times where I’m proud of my career and accomplishments, and feel like I’m managing everything ok.

As moms, you hear the word balance thrown out there quite a bit. We’re expected to balance it all and to do it well, giving everything in our lives equal attention. But I’ve learned fairly quickly that expecting to balance everything well as a full-time working mom is a surefire way to feel like a failure each day. I now know that some days work gets more time/attention/brain power, and others, my boy does. It’s just how it is. And that’s okay.

Before Callan, I built a career in the marketing field and have been a writer for a health care company for years. I’m also a telecommuter, so I work from home full-time. It definitely has its perks. But I think some don’t quite understand that when you say you work from home – you WORK from home. You have projects, deadlines and goals to meet. You have countless conference calls, career trainings and project time you have to set aside or you don’t accomplish what’s required. The list goes on. There are high expectations.

I’ve been a full-time working mom for four months now and I’m STILL transitioning. I had four months of maternity leave – blissful, exhausting 24/7 time with my boy. Despite him arriving early, our NICU stay, recovery from birth, the ups and downs of breastfeeding, weight checks, in-home therapies, countless doctor visits and just adjusting to everything that comes with a newborn, it was the only time in my memory where I can recall not being stressed on a daily basis. And it came down to the fact that I am in LOVE with being a mom – HIS Mom. I’m obsessed with my boy and absolutely adored that quality time. I dreaded having to leave him and cried every day for the two weeks before I had to. The heaviness of emotions a mama feels in this situation is excruciating. I’m grateful for the time I had with him, but four months or less shouldn’t be the standard. Mamas need more. So much more.

We are SO lucky to have in-home care for Callan currently. Our family has been amazing watching him while we work and we love that he gets to build extra special bonds with them. On the flip side, this is also where working from home becomes difficult. Yes, I get more time with him since I don’t have a commute and can see him on my breaks. But I also hear him throughout the day laughing and playing, and I feel a constant pull to be with him. It takes every ounce of energy I have to focus my attention where it needs to be. Before I returned to work, I remember saying that I would either be super-efficient and disciplined OR it would all be a total sh** show. To be honest, I have both kinds of days.

When I went back to work, I didn’t have unreasonable expectations for the transition but I did think I would adjust quicker than I have. I found I had to almost retrain my brain to think the way it used to before baby. Things are different. YOU’RE different. It’s a lot to handle at once. There were several days that ended with me sobbing into my husband’s shoulder, saying, “I can’t do this. It’s too much. There has to be a better way.” I’m pretty certain I perfected the full-on ugly cry during that time. It was like being on the front lines of a battle I wasn’t quite ready for. But my husband was. Wise soul that he is, he’d told me it would take MONTHS to transition and I didn’t really believe him. It turns out he was right. Yes, I put that in writing.

All that being said – I leave for my first post-baby business trip in a few days. Since Callan was born, I haven’t been away from him for more than 4 hours or so. This is going to be HARD. I keep telling myself it will be good for me, for my career and Callan as well. I have full confidence that he will be just fine, especially with how adaptable he is. He’ll have some amazing quality time with his Dad and I’ll have some time to focus on me. But as the trip looms, the emotions are starting to weigh heavily on me.

Working mamas out there – if you’ve traveled for business after baby, what are your tips for making it through?

He is enough

Photo by Sara’s Photography

With the acceptance we’ve experienced, it’s still shocking how little people understand about Down Syndrome. There is a lot of misconception and confusion. And I’ll be the first to admit, we knew nothing initially and we’re still learning. But it’s so incredibly important to know how to discuss Down Syndrome, so I thought I’d share some insight from our journey so far.

I read recently that words – using the proper terms and tense when talking about Down Syndrome – are important. And it’s true. Most comments we’ve encountered from others are innocent and come from a place of little awareness. In fact, I can often sense the hesitation as they try to choose the rights words mid-conversation. There are some comments that immediately strike me hard and my protective nature revs into overdrive. Others, I’m not quite sure how to feel about just yet. Ultimately, my goal is to educate myself so that I can educate others.

First, I’ll level set this by being clear that every single person with Down Syndrome is an individual with different abilities. It’s not okay to say someone “is Down’s,” or to use the term “Down Syndrome baby,” for example. Instead, say someone “has Down Syndrome” or use the term “baby with Down Syndrome.” Semantics, I know – but these statements are not accurate, and making them opens the door for people with Down Syndrome to believe that they are defined by their condition. And they are not. They are NOT Down Syndrome. They HAVE Down Syndrome. We all have our own battles but it is imperative to us that Callan knows – and believes – that our conditions are NOT who we are.

Second, parents (regardless of age) have a 1 in 700 CHANCE – not risk – of having a baby with Down Syndrome. That word risk can be tricky. During my pregnancy, that terminology was used often and it has the innate ability to strike all levels of fear in a parent. RISK. I remember harping on that word while asking the universe how we even became that 1 in 700. The diagnosis didn’t fit what we thought our family would be. But with every accomplishment, full-body smile and giggle, this now-18 pounds of pure joy assures us that he is who he was meant to be, and that THIS – this is what our family should be. Someday we’ll tell Callan just how grateful we are that we weren’t the other 699. But for now, we’re busy showing him each and every day that he is enough.

Questions? Ask away! As I said, we’re still learning but I’m always willing to help spread clarity and understanding.

Meet Callan

Photo by Sara’s Photography

Meet Callan. He’s 8 months old, wild and hilarious. He’s a little guy with A LOT of personality and even more to love. And our boy? He happens to have Trisomy 21 (T21), the most common form of Down Syndrome. We haven’t yet talked publicly about Callan’s condition because quite honestly, it’s not forefront of our minds. It’s just a part of our life – a beautiful part at that. We’ve spent 8 months solely focused on our boy and getting to know him for him. But October is Down Syndrome Awareness Month and what better time to share our story? It’s time we do our part on the path to inclusion and acceptance. And it’s time everyone gets a glimpse at the true gift our boy is.

We celebrate our boy and his accomplishments every single day. He may have to work extra hard but it’s all he knows and he does so without complaint. And he’s THRIVING. We owe that to his tenacity, our outlook and our village. We are raising him to be a good, kind human who knows he can do and be anything – because he can. Go to college? Absolutely. Have a job? Of course. Live on his own? Sure. Why not?? Why shouldn’t he? We have the same expectations for him as we do his brothers. We are committed to his development and are making it a point to foster his independence early on.

Full transparency: When we received Callan’s diagnosis, it rocked our world. There was a complex process of grief and acceptance that I think only parents in that situation can truly understand. Looking back, I know that needed to take place. When we first found out our odds were high, the words the midwife spoke on the phone shattered me and quite literally brought me to my knees. “BAD news,” she said forcefully, with an air of pity. At the time, the fear, the unknown, the worry was so incredibly tangible and debilitating while we worked through it all.

Fast forward to a year later. When I look at our boy, all I can think is BAD news?! I wish I could find that lady and teach her a thing or two about life, love and acceptance (we cut ties immediately). And while I’m at it, all of the other ‘specialists’ who advised us on more than a dozen occasions to proceed in a way that would mean this irreplaceable ray of light wouldn’t be here right now.

Our boy has already changed our lives for the better. And mark my words, he is going to change the world.

Welcome to the House of Kosi

Welcome to the House of Kosi. So, what’s in a name? Kosi is a nickname that all of the boys in the family go by. I have many goals for the blog, but the main focus will be our family’s journey – parenthood, health, renovating our home and more. And so, the House of Kosi felt fitting.

I’ve always loved writing and am a writer by trade. A personal blog was always part of my plan and I even started one five years ago. It didn’t last for several reasons, the main one being that by nature I’m a very private person. The thought of creating a public blog and sharing my life was terrifying – and still is to some degree.

Will people want to read it? What do I or don’t I share? Will the topics resonate? That and more have kept me from starting a new blog. But a writing instructor once gave me keen advice when I was caught up in my thoughts and hesitant to write. He said, “Just f***ing DO it!” And so, here I am. The vulnerability is real, but a necessary step on the path to greater things. It’s time to own my story and be brave, with the hope I can reach others in some way, somehow.

What topics would you like to read about? Let me know in the comments!